It had been a long time since I last blogged. For a moment, I was thinking what was so special to blog about recently. Then I realised, there is something that I had been wanting to type out, say out or even shout out.

4th January 2011, it was a very dreadful day for me... One of my project-work(PW) mates, Tharshini, passed away.

She was just 19 years old!!
She was just recovering from her illness!!
She was supposed to meet me soon!!

In my mind, I thought about how I fought hard for PW wif her, how the fact that some group members were weird didn't pull our moral down.. how we gossiped during PW meetings.. how she tried to dressed me up as a bad girl.. how she always look on the bright side of life..

I could think of a lot of reasons to miss her, to cry for the loss of her, to pray that this was just a dream..
I could also think of a lot of things that I were supposed to plan and do but I didn't..

The last time I saw Tharshini was around Jan'10. She borrowed chemistry notes from me. That day I was rushing for work, so I was having breakfast with her and I left in a hurry. The last sentence that we said was "see you soon... after ur promo k? bye"

After her promo, I was supposed to plan a class outing. But I was busy with work too, in the end, I decided to postpone class outing to Jan'11. She passed away on 04 Jan'11. She left before I even plan that outing and invite her. She just left all of a sudden.

If I knew that was my last time seeing her, will I still leave in a rush? Will I still say "see you again"? When I said "see you again", I should make the effort to meet up with her, but why didn't I do so?

It was all like a dream. It was as if she were still alive but busy with her live and couldn't meet any of us. Maybe not only to me, to many other friends, this just happened too sudden. A lot of us didn't have a chance to say goodbye to her while she was alive. A lot of us missed the chance to see her the last time before she passed away. A lot of us just couldn't accept the fact even when we were at the wake. The truth just didn't sink in.

It was really like a dream... I don't know how am I going to accept that she was gone.

mon 9/8, national day.. I went to help out at the national day celebration at central district (bishan). On my way there, I accidentally passed by a funeral. I heard and saw the people crying over the loss of their loved ones. 看到这一幕，有一种说不出的伤感... 在当我们庆祝一些喜事时，另一边其实还有一些人面对着失去亲人的痛。原来，死亡是在你不知不觉的情况下，一步一步接近你的。它不会因为今天是新年或国庆日而免你一死。死亡并不恐怖，而是那要离开亲人的感想可怕。

tue 10/8, 1st day of uni.. I had lectures from 12pm - 6pm, although in the middle of lectures, there will be half an hr for me to travel and grab something to eat. But I was busy losing my way in the new environment and finding the correct path, so well, I didn't eat anything throughout. Thanks god, there is still momo who is in the same major with me. If not my life could had been worse.

就在几天内，我的梦想就这样一个一个破灭了...

我真的很希望有一天醒来时，发现原来全部都是一场噩梦。但当我醒来时，我才发现原来噩梦才刚开始...

Had been busy the whole day with niece's full mth preparation. But I went to cycling trip with mommy tay after 4pm.

It was great at first but there was this part which scared me. There was this group of ppl cycling slowly infront of us, so mommy tay tried to overshot them. I was riding on her left side and at quite a fast speed so I couldn't brake immediately and followed her to attempt the overshot. I didn't notice that there was another roller blader on her right side. So mommy tay was between me and e roller blader and I was between mommy tay and another group of cyclists.

Then the climax came. I suddenly felt a push from the right side. As I was halfway through the overshot process, I managed to maintain my stability. But I heard a loud bang from the right side behind. Immediately, I knew it was mommy tay. When I saw her on the ground, trapped by her bicycle, for a moment, my heart beats went faster. I knew she was injuried but I was a bit lost for actions.

Anyway, this incident is very scary. Mommy tay was smart to push me away if not I think I would have been injuried. I heard her said "我当时只想到把欣仪推开".. Really very touched..
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Shifu and some other colleagues are also ones who are very caring to me, especially recently I am sick. Shifu will go around nagging me, asking me to drink warm water, eat plain food and even offered me to stay at her house during this hard period. Haha. Others will also offer to me buy warm drinks like soya bean or tea. They are all nice people who I really treasure... Hope the bonding between us will stay strong even when I leave the company.

In the past, mom will insist to cook dinner almost every night, make sure we eat healthy. Now, mom and dad come home very late every night. At first I still have sis to accompany me at night. But now, sis also went to camp. Left me alone at home. I hate to sleep alone at night. But today, I found a reason to stay up late, I bet $5 on spain for tonight match. So that I can stay up late, hoping or waiting for something. Not like an idiot, sit there aimlessly and stone.

First time betting on soccer. Hopefully, it will be my last. I don't really like gambling after all.
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Next week is my last week in CC. Part of me really hope that it will come faster cos I want some time of my own to do my favourite stuffs. But part of me can't bear to leave also scare of e new environment in uni. Haiz. See how things go.

For a moment, I really thought that all misunderstandings with her were cleared when she smiled and talked to me as per normal. But I was wrong, the nightmare still has to continue... till this chapter of my life ends...

I seriously hate politics, class politics or work politics. Never once did I want to bootlick anyone, specially not to bootlick those who I really want to joke around and laugh together. I really wish to make them happy and laugh, not I want them to be on my side. If only outsiders could understand this too.

On a second hand, maybe I really did certain things overboard a bit. But I am really trying and am still working on this issue. I had been cutting down a lot of these...

I know I can't make everyone be satisfied with me. 人非圣贤，孰能无过... I made mistakes too and I am trying to learn from them. Please make things easier for me now. I am tired.

虽然难免会让他人讨厌我，但结果不是自己希望的，还是有点难过与无奈。我不希望到最后，她会是我讨厌与反感的人。更不希望把好友也拖进这烂泥里...

说话不经大脑的我，会注意自己的毛病。

i need a break.. from all the problems at home and in work.. i am feeling it's harder to breathe with so many problems there for me to face..

Went back to yjc with Peiwen, Sengyie and Alex on thur (17 jun). We went back to collect our SGC. Haha. Suddenly, for some reasons, I miss my studying life in yjc.. But we didn't stay long as most of the teachers were away for school holidays. Just like mommy tay, so shuang, go korean for 7-8 days.
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Niece had been discharged together with sis, back home for resting. Haha. She is so so small in my hands. So fragile and small, but sometimes when she smiles, she managed to take away all my troubles. Now that with the new member in my life, I must save more $$ and time for her too. Not to mention my other family members and my adorable nephew. =)

I love little kids especially my nephew and niece. =)

from me to you